No New Friends

This weekend was the best of my life. I got to celebrate life, love, and growth. During these celebrations I was reminded that I would not be who I am without the love and support of others. Ubuntu, "a person is a person through other people". I also had the time to reflect on my accomplishments in a beautiful yard with a nice drink. I felt nothing but gratitude, gratitude for life’s lessons but most importantly my tribe.

Healthy relationships are important to our overall health. Some of the benefits of having a solid tribe is increased sense of belonging and purpose. Reduced stress and a safe supportive environment to cope with... life lol. But we as African people (black people you are African) tend to be extremely loyal. We give second chances and we love to our own determent. Love doesn’t hurt… that’s platonic love too. The 5 people I spend the majority of my time with has changed drastically over the last couple of years, and so has the quality of my life. I’ve returned to old, strong, healthy friendships and everything has blossomed from that.  As the quote says “If a flower isn’t growing, you check the environment, you don’t blame the flower. Evaluate your soil… ask yourself

1.     How has you/your crew grown or changed in the last 5 years?

2.     Do your friends encourage or inspire you?

3.     Do they offer support to keep you on track- push you to reach goals?

a.     Do they celebrate when you do?

4.     When the last time ya’ll did something new together?

If the answers were all bad… here are some extra clues your tribe is toxic: you don’t feel safe to share good or bad news, your business hit the streets the moment you hang up and you pray for snow in the summer to cancel plans. But hey friendships don’t have to be permanent. Disengage if necessary, set boundaries. Your number one priority is yourself, and you deserve healthy nourishing friendships. “There is no better mirror than a best friend.”

Peace and Unity

Yannie

P.S this is a love letter to my tribe, I love you guys. I appreciate the friendship, the guidance, the support, the encouragement, the smiles, the knowledge, the memories and everything else in between. I can’t wait for the next adventure. 

The new ABCs!

All men have both a king and a joker in them. Some let their kingness dominate, some rather let the joker play. Its duality- and that's life. So, today my King let his Joker out to play- cue scary music. His joker is so crude, he makes distasteful jokes, basically hes always saying and doing dumb shit. A tool that has helped me to deal with his joker, is my amazing ability to identify “unhelpful thoughts” (any thoughts that steals joy) and of course understanding duality. Using the ABC thinking model I will demonstrate how to deal with the stupid shit men occasionally say and do.

A-   Activating event: (The what)

a.    In our example it’s a Facebook comment- one of my man’s famous immature jokes

                                          i.    “sex is better than traveling”

B-   Belief: (Our thoughts and how we respond to the what)

a.    I initially felt embarrassed and played – I thought his comment was Tamar Braxton level shadddyy

                                          i.    What’s the point of such a tasteless joke?

                                        ii.    Was he trying to hurt my feelings? How is this not putting personal stuff on social media?

                                       iii.    Who else saw it?

C-   Consequences: how your response/thoughts effect your feelings/day

a.    “Unhelpful” thoughts led to a disappointing day.

                                          i.    No longer fondly reminiscing about the morning sex

                                        ii.    Easily agitated- snapping on everyone for any reason

                                       iii.    Being “so over today”… before noon. Smh.

Now let’s see how happy this hump day can be with the use of the ABC model of thinking…

A-   Activating event: (The what)

a.    In our example it’s a Facebook comment- one of my man’s famous immature jokes

                                          i.    “sex is better than traveling”

**the (B) is work the work is done. This is where you choose “Queen or Crazy… strength or stress”**

B-   Belief: (Our thoughts and response to the what)

a.    He’s slightly retarded

                                          i.    Laugh it off- choose your battles

                                        ii.    He calls you Nyquil- dispute the negative thoughts

                                       iii.    Remind yourself of all the not so stupid shit he’s said recently- replacing negative thoughts.

C-   Consequences: how your response/thoughts effect your feelings/day

a.    Helpful thoughts allow you to move on with your day.  

                                          i.    Get a good laugh out a stupid joke.

                                        ii.    Plot revenge

                                       iii.    When he tries to get some- tell him “take a trip”

Using the ABC model is a powerful relationship tool, for any type of relationship. Do you have an idiot boss who is constantly doing and saying infuriating things? Or a friend who thinks dumb is cute?  ABC thinking helps you take control of what you can control-i.e yourself and how you respond to others. With the ABC model you can plan ahead for the dumb shit… pick a positive affirmation or a rational self-statement. A favorite of mine is “he’s as ignorant as he is educated, I accept duality”. This goes along with the whole grass is greener thing… either water your grass or learn to love the color.

Peace and love,

Yannie 

Choosing Change

The transition from meat eater to vegan was much easier than taking control of my thoughts. Fixing a plate takes steps, you have plenty of chances to stop, rethink and make better decisions. Thoughts on the other hand seem to just grow wings and fly out. Getting tired of being surprised by the shit I said, I made controlling my thoughts my new focus, for myself and my students. In my current position I am working with 6 young princes, princes that have already been cast out and labeled. They have these beautiful boys in a room all day, no electives, no change of scenery and less outdoor time then most inmates. 

Anyway, in the last year they have changed so much. I have watched them learn to speak positivity in not only themselves, but in each other. If you were to meet my boys, they would tell you they changed their thinking, and it “fixed” their words. Their implementation of thought blocking (ignoring negative thoughts) and learning to replace their negative thoughts has made a colossal impact. But the daily training is what has transformed them. Every week we select a new affirmation- one for ourselves, and one for us as a collective. This affirmation is the daily bread, it’s the consistent cardio, and it’s where they choose victim or victor for the day. “Today I will walk in my strength, today I choose right, today I choose me.” In the beginning my princes hated this. They hated “talking to themselves”, they said it felt silly. But I reminded them change happens when they choose to make it happen. I challenged them to 21 days of affirmations. After discussing self-discipline for months, they also understood it was on them to say their affirmations over holidays/weekends. My kids have grown academically, spiritually and their self-esteem is out this world. The power they feel they now, because of the changes they choose to make, has given them the power to implement changes in other areas of their lives.

In the same fashion, I challenge you- pick an affirmation, say it every morning for 21 days and choose change.

Some examples:

I am the architect of my life; I build its foundation and choose its contents.

Today, I am brimming with energy and overflowing with joy.

My body is healthy; my mind is brilliant; my soul is tranquil.

I am superior to negative thoughts and low actions.

I have been given endless talents which I begin to utilize today.

Happiness is a choice. I base my happiness on my own accomplishments and the blessings I’ve been given.

My ability to conquer my challenges is limitless; my potential to succeed is infinite.

I am courageous and I stand up for myself.

My thoughts are filled with positivity and my life is plentiful with prosperity.

Today, I abandon my old habits and take up new, more positive ones.

I acknowledge my own self-worth; my confidence is soaring.

Everything that is happening now is happening for my ultimate good.

I am a powerhouse; I am indestructible.

My future is an ideal projection of what I envision now.

My efforts are being supported by the universe; my dreams manifest into reality before my eyes.

 

Hey hero!

Today I challenge you to ONLY acknowledge your strengths!

How much debt are you in?

How much debt are you in?

Bear with me as I try to compare emotional baggage with personal debt.  A lot of the time we aren’t getting the job we want, the relationship we want or living the life we want because of our own baggage. Emotional baggage is just as much as a hindrance as debt. Poor credit scores stop you from getting the loan you want, the job you want and sometimes the respect you feel you deserve. Imagine if your emotional baggage was scored the same way.

599 and lower	Poor- constant negative self-talk, poor health, unhealthy relationships, destructive habits.
600 – 700	Good- occasional negative self-talk, some unhealthy relationships, possible health concerns and/or some self-destructive habits.
700 and above	Great- practices positive self-talk, awareness of self, positive relationships, goal driven habits and adapting a holistic way of life.

A few years ago my emotional baggage was so great it manifested itself in so many ways. Anxiety, depression, obesity, isolation... the list goes on. I stayed at a job I hated for far too long because I didn’t think I’d find something better. (Fear) I accepted friendships that were damaging- because I felt I deserved them. (Low self-esteem) I put up with crazy shit from even crazier men for an embarrassing amount of time, because my emotional baggage score was so low I wasn’t progressing- at fcking all.  I was allowing my past to ruin my future. The first step in moving forward was to acknowledge what was holding me back. Where is this fear coming from? What are some of the negative messages I am holding onto? What exactly is my emotional baggage?

My baggage began with how I spoke to myself, I practiced horrible self-talk.I found a problem for every solution and i talked myself out of doing every fcking thing. .  So before I could deal with anything else- I had to start showing myself some love.

Goal: Practice positive self-talk 3 out of 7 days a week. (Always make your goal measurable) After WRITING your goal- with a real pen, on real paper, list 2-3 action steps.

I choose to attack my negative thinking with refuting negative thoughts and/or replacing them. For example before I started my master’s program I kept telling myself “you’ll never finish”.  I would refute this thought every time by reminding myself my bachelor degree took twice the time and not only did I finish the program I excelled in it.  Once I successfully increased my positive self-talk to 3 out of 7 days, I increased it to 4… then to 5 and so on.

Treat your emotional baggage the way you would your debt, consult if necessary, make a plan, and execute that shit out that plan. In the same way a 700 credit score can significantly improve your living conditions- eliminating emotional baggage will to.

Peace+ Love

Yannie

Generational Curses

Your generational curses become their 401k

Stop buying into your own detriment. They call it hereditary or genetics so that our maladaptive (fcked up) behaviors will become profitable generational curses. Diagnoses are made by self-reports or observations, that are always based on behaviors. Behaviors, we know are taught… most of the time by our parents… you see where this is going?

I was told my entire life “You are just like your mother”. Well fcking duh, she raised me. I love my mother, and yes, I absolutely am just like her. Which is cool just not when its used as an “appropriate dis”.  Her struggles with mental illness became her badge of shame, and daughter like mother, they became mine too. Her negative thinking patterns became my inner voice. Her explosive or erratic behavior became my normal. I was taught crazy… you know... Unintentionally, like most.

I didn’t know it was abnormal to emotionally blackmail people, until I was in my 20s. I was taught it was "ok" to express every feeling you get, major, minor, or irrelevant, by modeling. (Modeling= monkey see, monkey do) Even polar opposite emotions were ok to display… minutes apart. Erratic displays of emotions and rapid changes in behavior are all symptoms used to diagnosis different disorders. Once these behaviors evolve into a diagnoses,  you become a customer. Those sneaky people will promise you a easier life no... a "normal" life by simply taking a pill. I bought into it. Like my mother bought into it, and many others.

Now imagine if I were taught emotion regulation techniques?  Not once were coping strategies mentioned when diagnosing me. No one asked if I’d ever been taught healthy ways to express my pain. Nope, their only concern was my insurance. So I engaged in counseling- and it saved my life. Seeing myself as healthy and sane was freeing. Learning to change my OWN life, by being in control of my OWN emotions made all the difference. Unlike their medication, talk therapy was meant to help and heal, not just treat. Prozac is a billion dollar industry and growing. Passing down maladaptive behaviors + buying into your own illness = a big business.

All this to say, check yourself before you not only wriggity-wreck yourself- but the generations to follow. Truth is power.

Peace + love

Yannie