The new ABCs!

All men have both a king and a joker in them. Some let their kingness dominate, some rather let the joker play. Its duality- and that's life. So, today my King let his Joker out to play- cue scary music. His joker is so crude, he makes distasteful jokes, basically hes always saying and doing dumb shit. A tool that has helped me to deal with his joker, is my amazing ability to identify “unhelpful thoughts” (any thoughts that steals joy) and of course understanding duality. Using the ABC thinking model I will demonstrate how to deal with the stupid shit men occasionally say and do.

A-   Activating event: (The what)

a.    In our example it’s a Facebook comment- one of my man’s famous immature jokes

                                          i.    “sex is better than traveling”

B-   Belief: (Our thoughts and how we respond to the what)

a.    I initially felt embarrassed and played – I thought his comment was Tamar Braxton level shadddyy

                                          i.    What’s the point of such a tasteless joke?

                                        ii.    Was he trying to hurt my feelings? How is this not putting personal stuff on social media?

                                       iii.    Who else saw it?

C-   Consequences: how your response/thoughts effect your feelings/day

a.    “Unhelpful” thoughts led to a disappointing day.

                                          i.    No longer fondly reminiscing about the morning sex

                                        ii.    Easily agitated- snapping on everyone for any reason

                                       iii.    Being “so over today”… before noon. Smh.

Now let’s see how happy this hump day can be with the use of the ABC model of thinking…

A-   Activating event: (The what)

a.    In our example it’s a Facebook comment- one of my man’s famous immature jokes

                                          i.    “sex is better than traveling”

**the (B) is work the work is done. This is where you choose “Queen or Crazy… strength or stress”**

B-   Belief: (Our thoughts and response to the what)

a.    He’s slightly retarded

                                          i.    Laugh it off- choose your battles

                                        ii.    He calls you Nyquil- dispute the negative thoughts

                                       iii.    Remind yourself of all the not so stupid shit he’s said recently- replacing negative thoughts.

C-   Consequences: how your response/thoughts effect your feelings/day

a.    Helpful thoughts allow you to move on with your day.  

                                          i.    Get a good laugh out a stupid joke.

                                        ii.    Plot revenge

                                       iii.    When he tries to get some- tell him “take a trip”

Using the ABC model is a powerful relationship tool, for any type of relationship. Do you have an idiot boss who is constantly doing and saying infuriating things? Or a friend who thinks dumb is cute?  ABC thinking helps you take control of what you can control-i.e yourself and how you respond to others. With the ABC model you can plan ahead for the dumb shit… pick a positive affirmation or a rational self-statement. A favorite of mine is “he’s as ignorant as he is educated, I accept duality”. This goes along with the whole grass is greener thing… either water your grass or learn to love the color.

Peace and love,

Yannie 

How much debt are you in?

How much debt are you in?

Bear with me as I try to compare emotional baggage with personal debt.  A lot of the time we aren’t getting the job we want, the relationship we want or living the life we want because of our own baggage. Emotional baggage is just as much as a hindrance as debt. Poor credit scores stop you from getting the loan you want, the job you want and sometimes the respect you feel you deserve. Imagine if your emotional baggage was scored the same way.

599 and lower	Poor- constant negative self-talk, poor health, unhealthy relationships, destructive habits.
600 – 700	Good- occasional negative self-talk, some unhealthy relationships, possible health concerns and/or some self-destructive habits.
700 and above	Great- practices positive self-talk, awareness of self, positive relationships, goal driven habits and adapting a holistic way of life.

A few years ago my emotional baggage was so great it manifested itself in so many ways. Anxiety, depression, obesity, isolation... the list goes on. I stayed at a job I hated for far too long because I didn’t think I’d find something better. (Fear) I accepted friendships that were damaging- because I felt I deserved them. (Low self-esteem) I put up with crazy shit from even crazier men for an embarrassing amount of time, because my emotional baggage score was so low I wasn’t progressing- at fcking all.  I was allowing my past to ruin my future. The first step in moving forward was to acknowledge what was holding me back. Where is this fear coming from? What are some of the negative messages I am holding onto? What exactly is my emotional baggage?

My baggage began with how I spoke to myself, I practiced horrible self-talk.I found a problem for every solution and i talked myself out of doing every fcking thing. .  So before I could deal with anything else- I had to start showing myself some love.

Goal: Practice positive self-talk 3 out of 7 days a week. (Always make your goal measurable) After WRITING your goal- with a real pen, on real paper, list 2-3 action steps.

I choose to attack my negative thinking with refuting negative thoughts and/or replacing them. For example before I started my master’s program I kept telling myself “you’ll never finish”.  I would refute this thought every time by reminding myself my bachelor degree took twice the time and not only did I finish the program I excelled in it.  Once I successfully increased my positive self-talk to 3 out of 7 days, I increased it to 4… then to 5 and so on.

Treat your emotional baggage the way you would your debt, consult if necessary, make a plan, and execute that shit out that plan. In the same way a 700 credit score can significantly improve your living conditions- eliminating emotional baggage will to.

Peace+ Love

Yannie